Friends Are Vital

What would you do without friends? You go to movies together and meet for coffee. They buy you groceries when you're sick and console you when you're sad. You do the same.   Some you've known for years, and others you've just met.

Everyone needs friends, at every stage of life. Childhood chums play games, developing social skills while they're at it. Teens shoot basketball with their buddies and tell their best friends their secrets, defining an identity apart from their parents.

If you're single, friends can be family. If you're not, they can extend your family while expanding your world beyond it. Friends can even help advance your career. "We are far more likely to get jobs faster and have higher pay if our friendship networks are larger," says Thomas H. Sander, Ph.D., executive director of the Saguaro Seminar: Civic Engagement in America at Harvard University.

Because people are living longer, you'll likely spend more years in retirement, turning to friends for companionship. And if you outlive your spouse, they'll be there   to share activities, ideas and feelings, and for comfort.

Rich rewards

"Some research suggests that friendships help give our lives meaning. The emotional and practical support from them translates into less loneliness and more happiness," says Maurice Levesque, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Elon University in Elon , N.C.

When we feel connected to others, we're more satisfied with our lives and physically healthier. "Having close, personal friends predicts faster recuperation from illnesses and a longer life," says Dr. Sander.

Friendships may also help you dodge disease. A 2005 University of Wisconsin.study found that elderly women who had good social relations slept better. Both factors contributed to their lower blood levels of interleukin-6, a substance linked to resistance to disease. 

People with friends can affect an entire community. "In places where neighbors know and trust one another, there is less crime, schools work better, the government is more responsive and the economy grows faster," says Dr. Sander.

You can benefit from all types of relationships -- from nodding acquaintances to casual friends to bosom buddies. "They differ primarily in levels of trust, what you feel comfortable discussing with the person and the frequency of interaction," he adds.

But true friendship isn't as common as it once was. A 2006 Duke University study found that in the past two decades, the number of Americans who say they have no one to discuss important personal matters with has more than doubled. Those who do share rely more on family.

Obstacles to friendship

Maybe you're content to confide in that cousin you can call anytime. Or, maybe you feel you're too busy to join a club so you can meet people. Lack of social skills, shyness, fear of rejection and an inability to trust can also keep you from making friends. Then there's the Internet with its chat rooms, giving just the semblance of real friendship -- usually only while you're facing the screen.

Planting the seeds of friendship begins with common ground, such as a shared bus ride. "Then a connection has to occur, almost like a chemical reaction," says Jan Yager, Ph.D., author of Friendshifts and When Friendship Hurts. "Next, you have to both feel your lives will be enriched by knowing each other. Although the wish to be friends must be shared, what you share -- who calls whom more often, for example -- need not be the same. However, my research found that shared values are the best predictor of longevity in a friendship."

So are commitment, trust, honesty and reliability. You've got a strong, close friendship when you can be yourselves, reveal intimate feelings, resolve conflict with each other, and listen empathetically and without judgment. Whether you provide solace or help celebrate, you're always there for each other.