We Can Head Off Teen Tragedies
When our schools erupt in violence, we're shocked.
"But I think that what people might not recognize is that there are many, many teenagers who are very unhappy or disturbed, and they are sending out cries for help—signs of distress that aren't recognized," says Jennifer Johnson, M.D., an adolescent medicine specialist in Irvine, Calif.
Start early
Preventing teen turmoil starts at birth. Parents set examples in the way they interact, express anger, and treat substance abuse, experts say. As children grow, communication is critical.
When your kids are young, talk about peaceful problem solving, the importance of not hurting others, and avoiding drugs and cigarettes. And as your children get older, define clear limits for acceptable behavior.
Individuality is self-expression that doesn't harm others—a radical hairstyle, for example. But, says Dr. Johnson, "verbally abusing people and threatening them is hurtful to others."
Do you feel out of touch with your child? That's cause for concern, says Jeffrey I. Dolgan, Ph.D., a Denver psychologist. Parents should know their child's values, principles, attitudes, and priorities. They should also know the signs of trouble.
Other suggestions
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Beginning as soon as your child enters school, develop the habit of dropping in at your child's elementary school—and not just on parents' night. If something doesn't seem right, go to the administration.
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Talk to your child's or teen's teachers. Ask teachers how your child or teen acts in class. That conduct shouldn't differ vastly from home.
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Know your child's or teen's friends. Maintain a climate at home that welcomes them.
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Don't chalk up unusual behavior to a passing phase. Talk with your child or teen and consult professionals, such as pediatricians or counselors.
"Trust your guts and trust your instincts," says Dr. Dolgan. "If something feels wrong, it probably is."
Questions to help teenagers open up
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What are you happy about?
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What are you sad about?
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What are you proud of?
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If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
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If you could change one thing, what would it be?
Danger signals
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Increased aggression, often toward siblings.
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Threatening language.
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Angry, intimidating actions lasting over time.
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A sudden change in your child's set of friends, especially if you're uncomfortable with the new group.
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Withdrawal from the family.
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Substance abuse, which correlates with violence.
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A sudden drop in grades or rise in truancy.
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An Internet focus on violent sites, games, or e-mail.
To get help